


alone in tokyo

by creativitea



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, inspired by a song, post 2x18, slightly fix-it??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 21:55:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11723346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativitea/pseuds/creativitea
Summary: post 2x18 , magnus goes to tokyo alone, and lets his mind wander through their memories with him tracing the footsteps of them.





	alone in tokyo

**Author's Note:**

> ps: i have not read the books, only watched the show. 
> 
> song used in fic - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V09ZUPZx7Po  
> fanmix for writinginspo - https://playmoss.com/en/creativitea/playlist/i-m-all-about-effort
> 
>  thanks to @vegasolar for betaing, you're the best!
> 
> (another ps; the format still looks a little weird (with the blockquotes not working like i want them to) but i'm working on it!!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magnus told himself he needed to clear his head, but that's not what this is and he knows it. 

This is masochism. This is putting pressure on an injured hand as self punishment. 

It's not healthy, he knows. 

But his hands aches, as the touch of Alec's hands still lingers, ever since he tried to force himself to let them go. 

So he's putting the pressure on his heart instead.

He's portaled to Tokyo, haunting their memories together like a lonely ghost. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _All I've ever known is_

> __How to be alone__

> _It comes naturally_

 

And he's definitely not alone, as this is Tokyo after all; but he hasn't felt this isolated in decades. (even when he'd closed himself off)

He knows he was the one to leave, obviously, but that's just magnifying the solitude. 

He knows he chose this, he knows he's given Alec similar pain to the one he's feeling,  and even though he has had issues trusting him lately; of course he still loves him; that doesn't just disappear (even when Magnus is at his angriest about this whole thing, he tells himself he wishes it would, though that's truthfully a lie), and it's an awful feeling to be aware you're inflicting pain on someone you love (even when you want to hurt them a little).

 

 

 

 

 

> __I'm out of sight_  
>  _I'm out of mind__  

> _Alone in Tokyo_

 

>  

 

And maybe he's still not sure he made the right choice, but he hopes it was. 

Maybe that's what this is. 

He's been trying to follow his heart ever since he'd successfully pursued Alec to follow his (which led him right to Magnus, and that's made him feel so happy, but right now that aches too), just to make it worth it. Alec had unlocked something in him, so he'd been open, opened up, and it hurt so much to close him off. It was like closing off himself. He'd let Alec become a part of him, and all this wasn't even about the fact that Alec had not been as opened as promised to his face (though it did count into the decision), this was about more than that. At least he thinks it is. 

It felt like the least selfish choice. Lives, of his own people, are at stake. He's following his conscience this time (which is making him feel strangely guilty). 

He needs to be a leader. Alec would probably choose the same thing in his shoes. 

In fact, sometimes he has, and it feels harder to blame him for it now. 

But then a reminder flickers, that sometimes he's chosen Magnus. More and more, he's been choosing him, or at least been wanting to. 

And thinking about it, their people is always at risk, regardless of their choices. Valentine always finds a way to spread chaos.  They've just got to do their best with what they've got. 

 

More flashbacks of their time together follow, but the one that really gets to him is something he told Alec, to convince him to make time not just for him; but also himself. 

"There will always be a war, or a mission, but if you fail to make time for the things you care about, you'll forget what you're even fighting for."

And though he thinks he made the right choice between the two options the seelie queen had given him, he decides that she doesn't get to decide what his options are. He himself does, and he'd rather make a choice that is his own.

 

 

 

 

> _I'm longing just to feel you_

> _To know that it's alright_

 

 

 

> __You're out of reach_  
>  _Wrong place, wrong time  
> __ _Alone in Tokyo_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

>  

>  

 

> __Grew a thicker skin_  
>  _Now it's growing thin__

> _You can see right into me_

 

"I need to talk to you" tics into Alec's phone, and the weirdest thing is that it's exactly from who he both hopes and is terrified it could be; Magnus. 

He stares at it for a moment, trying to process it, contemplating pinching himself just in case. But if it isn't real, he doesn't want to wake up from it, so he leaves the arm unpinched. He starts typing instead. 

He erases the first few attempts at replies; "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore" (it feels to petty), "I'm spent, I don't have the energy for this" (he'll gladly spend energy to see Magnus again, even if he doesn't have any left), "It would hurt, I need time." (sounds honest, but waiting would hurt more. besides, he'd rather hurt than be apart from Magnus. he's more scared he'll cause hurt, more hurt), until he finds the one that feels right enough to send. "I'm scared to listen, but I will."

(and that hurts to admit,  because the last time it was truly scary to listen to Magnus, was when he was trying to deny his feelings, and the way he feels scared now feels like a painful contrast.) 

Magnus is tempted to reply that he doesn't have to be scared because he'll hold his hand, but he feels like it would be cruel irony for Alec before he knows what this is all about. Instead he texts "Can I portal over?".

And the fact that Magnus now has to even ask him makes Alec want to cry (but he's not sure he's got any tears left) 

 

But Alec needs to get out of here, where the air is heavy with his own anxiety. 

And though usually being exposed to Magnus is the best feeling in the world, exposing how much seeing him leave affected him would just make Alec feel more at loss.

He types out "I'd rather meet you halfway." but erases it even though it's what he actually wants to say. 

"On my way outside, meet me there." Alec replies, and gets up and out, with a burst of energy he logically shouldn't have after having the day he had. Knowing where the energy comes from, he simultaniously finds himself feeling like he can't afford to lose Magnus; while still wanting to respect whatever Magnus needs. 

 

 

 

He finds him just outside the institute, not having the time to notice this is just where he found him the last time he was sure he'd lost him. Ends up rushing over, though he feels like he shouldn't. It's incredibly confusing that Magnus looks relieved to see him, but he also can't help to feel relieved himself.

 

 

 

"I still am scared of this." Magnus still needs to be honest. 

"But not in the way it sounds like." he starts explaining. "I'm scared because I'll have something to lose."

"I still need a little space from us.. to make choices where i can't afford to be selfish. Pushing you away was selfish, but.. I.. "

He reaches his hand out, to let Alec choose if he wants to hold it. (the only hesitance from Alec is him looking at Magnus to double check if he's allowed to reach for it.) 

"..I still want to be on your team. And I want you to know that I am. But.. I need to regain trust. I know the base for it is still there, but it will take some time to rebuild it. And I need to know I can trust myself to make the right choice. But I'm not leaving." He squeezes his hand a little bit, like he's trying to make sure he gets that he's not letting go. "You did unlock something in me, I'm not closing the door on you. I don't want to end up putting up all my walls again, they're not actually protecting me."

Which reminds Magnus of something, and he reaches into the pocket of his jacket, and hands it over to Alec.

 

And for a moment, he thinks Magnus is returning the amulet he gave him, and it feels like a breakup all over.

Which Magnus must have been able to read from his face, because he quickly reaches into the pocket of his pants to pull that one out, like this is something he does on a regular basis.

But this means it's not the same one.

Has Magnus been in Tokyo tonight? Is he trying to give an amulet to Alec? What does he mean by that?

"I have a responsibility to my people, and I'm not sure I can protect you from what may come from that. But I want you to know I want to have your back, even if I don't know if I can right now." 

And even though his hands are feeling tense in Magnus's right now, he can hear some relief when Alec lets out a breath it seems like he's been holding. 

"I'll be patient. I've got all the time in the world" he says, finally looking at Magnus again. And then they laugh, because it's Magnus that has all the time in the world. "Or at least, it's not a waste of my time." Alec continues. "And I'll try to be honest and trustworthy." He says like he wants to be, but like he feels like he'll mess up again. And Magnus looks like he knows he will, but that he won't hold it against him.

 

They don't kiss. They don't even hug (it's like they're keeping a  mutually safe distance, not a defensive distance.). 

But they hold hands. And then they part their ways. For now. 

 

 

 

 

> __Oh baby, can I hold you?__  
>  _Such a cold, cold night_  
>  _I thought I wouldn't need to_  
>  __I've got my neon lights_  
>  _ _I'm longing just to feel you  
>  __To know that it's alright_

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted the omamori(aka japanese amulet) to be a trust one, but from the research i'm able to do (i really tried my best, but i don't know japanese well), there's not one for that.  
> and i can't just make one up since omamori is a cultural and religious real thing that does not belong to me. but i hope it still comes across as a gesture that Magnus wants to rebuild the trust on both sides. 
> 
> also i'm not sure if this whole thing works out with the whole seeliequeen thing but i wanted to focus on the relationship-part, i'm sure the sh-writers will do a better job resolving that bit anyway.


End file.
